Game Review: I am Bread

Warning: You are about to read a ton of explicative words. Yes I owe a lot of money to the swear jar. No, I don’t care.

So I am Bread finally went on sale on Steam. FUCKING FINALLY! I have been wanting to play it since… well… since this:

So…get it? Cool? VERY!

Fuck yeah! I am Bread!
Now we all see videos of people playing and think we are going to be better, knowing we aren’t. I was one of those foolish people. FOOLISH! So I’m being all cool and shit, thinking “Aww fuck yeah! Bring it! You will be tooooooooaaaaaaasssssstttttttt!!!!!!!”

20 seconds in…
Fucking shit! What the fuck! I was on the ground for like 10 seconds! Is this the fucking 10 second rule?! Like for real?! What the FUCK!?

TAKE 2…
Oh okay… I get it…. whoops. I broke that thing… and that thing…. oh! On the Skateboard! (You want to land on the skateboard because then you don’t lose any of your edibility. Why is a skateboard more sanitary than the floor? I don’t know.) Fuck yes!
A few minutes later I reach the toaster with minimal loss of edibility. Yes, that’s a total fucking lie. I had about 10% left but whatever, still counts.
40 minutes later and I CAN’T GET IN THE FUCKING TOASTER! WHAT THE FUCK!!!????
I quit…

Day 2. At this point I’ve already logged about 3 hours of gaming time between my fails of just totally rotting to not being able to get in the toaster and giving up. So this is Take 12 or 18…. maybe?

WAIT… THE FUCKING STOVE IS ON?! Who the FUCK leaves the stove on?! Shit these people are irresponsib-OH MY GOD! YOU CAN TOAST ON THE FUCKING STOVE!
BOOM!!!!!!!!!! TOAST BITCHES!

Okay so now you’ve been walked through what it feels like, let me tell you this:
1) This game will stress you out so much.
2) No matter the stress, you will want that bread to become toast.
3) When it does, you will feel so fucking awesome!
4) Do not play again right away. You will fail and all the awesomeness will be sucked out. Go make yourself real toast instead.

I suggest this game to everyone. It sounds simple and stupid and it’s not and you will want to keep playing.

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