Game Review: I am Bread

Warning: You are about to read a ton of explicative words. Yes I owe a lot of money to the swear jar. No, I don’t care.

So I am Bread finally went on sale on Steam. FUCKING FINALLY! I have been wanting to play it since… well… since this:

So…get it? Cool? VERY!

Fuck yeah! I am Bread!
Now we all see videos of people playing and think we are going to be better, knowing we aren’t. I was one of those foolish people. FOOLISH! So I’m being all cool and shit, thinking “Aww fuck yeah! Bring it! You will be tooooooooaaaaaaasssssstttttttt!!!!!!!”

20 seconds in…
Fucking shit! What the fuck! I was on the ground for like 10 seconds! Is this the fucking 10 second rule?! Like for real?! What the FUCK!?

Oh okay… I get it…. whoops. I broke that thing… and that thing…. oh! On the Skateboard! (You want to land on the skateboard because then you don’t lose any of your edibility. Why is a skateboard more sanitary than the floor? I don’t know.) Fuck yes!
A few minutes later I reach the toaster with minimal loss of edibility. Yes, that’s a total fucking lie. I had about 10% left but whatever, still counts.
40 minutes later and I CAN’T GET IN THE FUCKING TOASTER! WHAT THE FUCK!!!????
I quit…

Day 2. At this point I’ve already logged about 3 hours of gaming time between my fails of just totally rotting to not being able to get in the toaster and giving up. So this is Take 12 or 18…. maybe?

WAIT… THE FUCKING STOVE IS ON?! Who the FUCK leaves the stove on?! Shit these people are irresponsib-OH MY GOD! YOU CAN TOAST ON THE FUCKING STOVE!

Okay so now you’ve been walked through what it feels like, let me tell you this:
1) This game will stress you out so much.
2) No matter the stress, you will want that bread to become toast.
3) When it does, you will feel so fucking awesome!
4) Do not play again right away. You will fail and all the awesomeness will be sucked out. Go make yourself real toast instead.

I suggest this game to everyone. It sounds simple and stupid and it’s not and you will want to keep playing.

Game Review: Killing Floor

I recently got into STEAM. Super cool. Especially when I have tons of money lying around (yes I’m being sarcastic I spend everything on food. duh). But seriously, some of these games are top notch. One of the first games I bought was the British zombie game Killing Floor. Prepare to spend hours perfecting the art of shooting Zombies in the head! With tons of maps to choose from and weapons you wish you actually knew how to use just cuz. Apart from the amount of DLC content you feel like you have to buy just to feel super into the game, this game freaking rocks! There are a few ways to play: Killing Floor, Objective Mode, or Multiplayer. Killing floor is by yourself (at least as far as I’ve experienced) and you get to choose a map and hone your skills without being super embarrassed. Multiplayer is the same thing but you’re on a team with anyone else who joins. You die right away, it’s super awkward and most people find a different map to play on just so they can shake off the bad moment. Objective Mode, though, is on three different maps and has goals you have to achieve. This is great if you are working between difficulty levels. For instance, if beginner is getting to easy, this gives you a chance to focus on multiple things. The maps are super cool and cater to every style of zombie killing. There are maps like Mountain Pass and Manor that have bigger open spaces so you don’t get boxed in so easily (and panic and die). There are also maps like Hellride that are much closer in proximity. Yes, I stick to the big open spaces, I’m not that great…yet. When you play, you can pick a character (who you never see, but on multiplayer other people see because duh) and you pick a specialty. These include (but are not limited to): Health Specialist, Sharpshooter, and Fire Bug. I personally love sharpshooter because of the crossbow (because Walking Dead’s Daryl Dixon). Sometimes things get glitchy and the aim on the crossbow doesn’t work. Guess what, shit happens. Anyway, you pick a specialty and as you play, you can level up the specialty which makes for faster shooting and reloading and stuff. Now for the fun part…the zombies. You want to learn all of the names. There is the Clot, the easiest to kill. But be careful, they surround you, you can’t get out, they grab on and don’t let go easily. The Gorefast is a zombie with a machete attached to it. When they see you they run towards you. Hence the “fast”. Bloats are gross but a headshot does the trick. They puke poison. A Husk looks worse than it is once you figure out how to kill it. The stalkers are annoying. Only their outlines show until they get up right next to you so keep your eyes peeled and listen for them. Crawlers are disgusting and worse than stalkers because they literally seem to show up anywhere. Siren. A lovely take on the myth. They scream and the screams hurt you. Scrakes. I hate these things. The first few times I played the way I died was by Scrake. Chainsaw on his hand. (Yes it is very satisfying to kill him with a chainsaw, I recommend). Fleshpounds are very nasty and get angry. Shoot to kill. Don’t mess around. And the patriarch (if you get that far, and if it takes you a while that’s okay) is vicious. That’s all I’m going to say. So that was a long chat about the game, hopefully I’ve gotten you interested. I’m not much a video game person but seriously, check this out. Worth every penny. Did I mention the zombie have circus form too? Creepy as hell.