The history we never learned

It was with a Facebook post that I first even heard of the Stonewall Riots.  That was never taught in class.  Nor was I ever taught about the gun restrictions on people of color.  That was something I learned through an MTV article.

These pieces of history I had no idea I didn’t even know.  They were never even mentioned in passing.  I don’t like that.  I don’t like that the school systems have edited out pieces of our history, or if we are going to learn them we have to take a specific course that will take years to become a reality.  You want to learn about the Stonewall Riots?  You have to sign up for “LGBTQ history” and that’s only offered once every two years so you better pray that it fits into your schedule.  And giving something its own course is great and all because it offers more time to learn about that, but then why isn’t it mentioned in the general U.S. history course?  Shouldn’t that be a course that gives you an overview and prompts you to take the specific courses to learn more?

This is not okay.  I understand that there is only so much time to learn in class and there is so much history.  History that grows every second.  But something needs to change.  I want to be educated not just on the whitewash version of history but ALL OF IT.  I want to learn from different perspectives.  I want to learn the big events and the small ones that are too easily forgotten.

It’s time to change how we look at history.

It’s time to change how we teach history.

It’s time to change how we learn history.

What else haven’t I learned?…

Post Grad Impatience

I originally intended to call this “post-grad struggle” because duh, it is.  But I also realized that a lot of that struggle is because everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, puts pressure on you to DO something.  Get a job, figure your shit out, get a fucking job.

It’s not that easy.

So while I would normally be okay (ish) with having had to move back home for a little while, anywhere I turn I’m supposed to have my shit figured out.  People younger than me have their stuff figured out!

That’s something no one tells you.  The assumption is that you’ll graduate college and be successful (job and money).  But you rarely hear about the graduate who spent a summer home after college confused and stressed to the core.  The ones that go home seem to get stuck at home and later on become the cliche of “still living in parents basement” while everyone else is successful.

It’s okay to be somewhere in the middle.  We should start embracing that a little more.

Why you feel invisible to the graduates

It’s going to become a stronger and more apparent feeling so let me break this down because I have experienced your position before and I’m in the graduate position now.

Come May, the class of 2016 will be graduating.

Come May, anyone not graduating will be watching their close friends walk across the stage.  And those graduates will be more focused on leaving each other than leaving you.

But here’s why. And I had this realization only recently…. but all of you will still be here at college.  We know you’ll be here and what your schedule is going to be like and how to get in touch with you.  We know that we can come back and find you here and there is comfort in that.  It’s not that we won’t miss you.  We don’t know where anyone else will be or if we’ll get to see each other again.  Yes that fear is there for you too, but there’s a security in knowing that you will still be at our alma mater.

Is that making sense?

The other thing you have to realize is that while we are stressing over everything we have to do and try to be, you are all making plans that we will not get to be a part of.  Ever.  And that starts earlier than the graduation hype starts.

My friends and I have a rule, as I have mentioned, that we don’t talk about graduation. So while we all know it’s there and we are trying to make the most of out of every day, it is everyone else that is making plans without us, as if we are already gone.

And this shit hurts too.  Only we start feeling that at the start of the second semester.  Graduation stuff doesn’t start until finals in May.  So stop and think about that for a second.  While you are coping with us leaving and already getting excited for the next year, we are passing our torches onto you and watching you begin to forget about us already.

At least… that’s how it feels.

We work really really hard to embrace college because mid-way through senior year we start to feel it slipping out of fingers and we get the images of what life is going to be like afterwards.  You can pretend to know what the feels like, but when it comes down to it the other seniors are the only ones who truly get it.  So when people make plans and don’t follow through, we get stressed because we are running out of time.  And it’s fucking scary.

Try to push away your anxiety about us leaving the same way we are pushing away ours and lets just fucking enjoy these last few months together.

Those petty little peeves

Okay the title sounded better in my head but I’m keeping it.

Pet Peeves is the subject of today!

I discovered a new one!  Yay?  yeah sure yay…. yay!  I discovered a new fucking pet peeve.

The other day I was planning a surprise for some of my friends and they kept asking me “What is it? What’s going on?” One person though wouldn’t let up.  She continually asked me, texted me, etc.  It got past the point of teasing to me being down right annoyed.  Why did she deserve to know over everyone else?  So the pet peeve… when some one thinks they have the right to something (like a surprise secret) just because it’s them.  Like they are better than all the other people asking.  If you were better you’d already fucking know. Duh!

But there are a few other peevish little things I can’t stand. Does anyone have just one?

The competition that is sometimes created during stressful situations. During finals or tech week, for example, there is always that ONE FUCKING PERSON that thinks they have it So much worse than everyone else. We are all suffering, you are not worse off. Get over yourself.
Freaking out over every test or assignment and doing exceptionally well every single time.
Pretending you’re too cool for something. It’s one thing to just not be interested in an activity or event but those assholes that stand there and judge and laugh at the people trying to enjoy themselves just because they are too self conscious to try it. No one is actually paying that much attention to you. Cut that shit out.

I could go on but those are the big ones (and the only ones I could think of right now haha) I’d love to know if y’all share those pet peeves with me of if you have your own. Vent about it! 🙂 aha

The Graduation Countdown

We have a rule amongst my friend group.  Graduation doesn’t exist.  Not yet.  Anytime anyone (but especially my roommate or I) makes the mistake of addressing it the response is, “No! Shut up! Not yet!”

We have even set a rule: we don’t talk about it or allow ourselves be sad about it except for one or two designated times until late April.  Then and only then are we’re allowed to freak out.

We can’t talk about it because it’s too real and it hurts too much.

I don’t want to face that fact that I won’t return to the first place that I really felt like I belonged.  I don’t want to accept the fact that I won’t be getting into shenanigans with all of my friends that have yet to graduate.  And I can’t stand that fact of not living with my roommate.  She was out of town for a few days and it was way too hard, but an undesignated period of time not seeing each other?!  It doesn’t exist.  Not yet.

But all of sudden all of that shit is being shoved in my face and I don’t know what to do with it.  I’ve been reminded to live in the moment and hold onto every second.  At the same time I’m supposed to look at the future and plan and grasp all of that too.  I can’t do both!  I only have two fucking hands!  And… I’m not ready to leave!  *sigh Holy Shit…

The future is too real my friends.

Melancholy at the close of the Semester

This has happened before.  Normally I ignore it.  I’m going back in two weeks.  But this time it’s different.  This is the end of the last Fall Semester I’ll have at college.

Boom.

I’ve been trying to figure it out and just keep going but it’s literally like a weight.  I’m not ready to leave.  Sure I’ve got a few more months but I’m just not ready to go yet.  There is this confusion of being so excited and so ready, but at the same time it’s fucking terrifying.  Not just because the future is uncertain and all that BS but because I will never be as old as I am now.  This is it.  Time passes way too quickly and that is becoming scary apparent lately.

Beauty within Hell Week

Good morning!  Today is the last day of finals!  AH!

Time to rejoice and enjoy ourselves!

But what would you say if I told you I actually find some amusement in finals?  If I told you it’s actually kind of sad when they end?

I know.  I’m totally crazy but hear me out…

Everything you’ve been working on all semester adds up to these two weeks.  Because if we’re being honest last week was my Hell Week but whatever.  It’s all of that junk you’ve learned and struggled through put into a few assignments.  (No pressure haha)  And it’s hard and you don’t sleep enough and you’re bumming it way too often and you’re not eating right…

But all of a sudden there’s people out.  The library is packed. The lounge become home to a study group of people that you didn’t know even knew each other.  There are books and bags everywhere and people kicking a soccer ball around outside for a break.  And everyone is in the same boat (for the most part).  And it sucks but you end up surviving.  Despite the amount of times you want to cry and stop and give up you never do.  That’s pretty fucking cool.

At the end of finals you’ve achieved something that you actually thought you couldn’t  And within a few days you’re looking back laughing at how dramatic everything was.

And it’s beautiful.  The second day of my Hell Week I was ready to break down by 10am (I’d been up since 6). I was rushing to grab something in my room before Improv and my friend had left Pumpkin Spice Tea all over my room.  I’m literally walking into my room with tears in my eyes and then I have this reminder that I’m okay and there is more than what I’m stressing out.  Look at this person supporting me.  Minutes later my roommate has brought my favorite smoothie and cake pop for me.  I have never been so fucking grateful before.  In the middle of Hell I get the biggest reminder of how connected everyone is. And that’s fucking awesome.  We all have that during finals: support.  Maybe not everyone has legit treats, but during finals you can literally turn anywhere and some one is going to be there right next to you.  And that’s a treat in itself.   We are able to support each other because, unlike the rest of the semester, people are all in the same boat.  And we all want everyone to float together.  No one gets to sink during finals.  And there’s beauty in that.  And when it ends, those people you laughed and cried with in the library are gone.  And everyone pretends like it didn’t happen.  But it did.  And it was beautiful.

Holiday Competition

I am one of the most competitive people you’ll meet.  That’s not to say that I make everything a competition (they are different).  But if we are playing a board game, for example, I will be a sore loser.

But the other day, I found a competitive spirit in the weirdest place: holiday decorating.

For the past three years I have turned my dorm room into a winder wonderland.  This year everything was amped up. Blue icicle lights on the window, colored lights strung across the closets, garland around the door, white lights strung on the ceiling with snowflakes hanging, etc. (Because yes there was more.)  And I was so happy with it!  Until I saw a bow on my friends door.  A fucking bow.

I get back from Thanksgiving break and I’m walking down the hall and I see a red bow on some ones door. My first thought was “How did I not think to decorate the front of the door? Oh it’s on….” and I immediately started plotting how to make my door look cuter.

Wait what? Did I just get competitive over a fucking bow? A single red Christmas bow on some ones door. I’ve seen inside. It’s not decorated inside except for a single ornament wreath. And yet, that bow….

Morning Routine

I don’t know about you, but I’m the kind of person who can take 10 minutes to get ready or an hour.  And it might not look like there’s too much of a difference either way.  The thing is, though, that having extra time to get ready is literally so important for the rest of the day.

I can do my full face routine.  I don’t wear a ton of make up but the make up I do wear I want to wear well.  This means no mascara on my eye lid and my moisturizer needs to be rubbed in completely. etc. For those of you that know this struggle (I’m talking anyone) you know that those little things can really matter to confidence.

Here’s the other thing, though.  Getting ready with more time allows a better start to your day.  Instead of rushing around to get ready, there is time to breathe if you’re having a slow day.  Or if you’re not, there’s time to do other things.  I make my bed and put books away and close my closet doors everyday before I leave.  When I return, the room feels more relaxed and put together and that makes me feel more put together.

So here’s my suggestions: get up literally just 10-15 minutes earlier.  Let yourself take a minute to pick out the earrings you always mean to wear and never do.  Let yourself pay extra attention to your hair or double check your bag and go over your planner.  Yes that’s 10 minutes you could be sleeping but I promise it’s worth it.

(Inspired by “Why Girls Take FOREVER to Get Ready in the Morning!!!!!” by Alisha Marie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCgHLoKn0zc )

Compensating for Beauty

Maybe compensating isn’t the right word.  But we’ll pull a Tim Gunn and “Make it Work”.

I wrote last week about what it’s like to not feel beautiful.  This post kind of tag teams off of that.

There’s a girl in some of my classes.  Beautiful, typecast as the blonde bombshell, smart, and quirky.  She has the potential to be a beautiful person except for one thing-she’s so concerned with being a beautiful person.

With 20 minutes at the end of class, every class, you can hear the familiar clanking of make ups and perfume.  She applies concealer under her eyes, reapplies mascara to the top and bottom eye lashes, lipstick, etc.  The finishing touch is a spritz of perfume.

But wait there’s more!  With 5 minutes left of class the clanking starts again as she double checks everything, sometimes even brushing her hair. Finally! She is ready to continue on with her day.  This happens every class, morning and afternoon.

It’s sad. I bet she’s really pretty and no one will ever actually see her.  It makes me wonder what happened to this girl to make her feel like it’s so necessary….